Cold Comfort: Monday, July 8, 2024 – Agatha

Dear Diary,

Alyssa patched the call through to my cabin at 9:03 am. She wasn’t on the line or anything, but she’s at the desk, so I assume she’s the one who answered, and double-checked he used my Agatha name and the password. In this case, it’s a phrase. But the phone rang, and I snatched it up like a teenage girl in a 50s television show waiting for the cute senior to call.

The first thing he said was “Man, I’ve missed your voice.” That might be the first fully positive thing he’s said to me in … I don’t want to calculate how long. It surprised me, and it totally changed the vibe. That’s all it took: I’ve missed your voice. I almost cried.

So I did something I hadn’t planned on and told him I just wanted to rant. He didn’t need to respond, and he didn’t need to solve it. I just wanted to rant. And I did, and he didn’t. It was weird, dearest diary, because this is a man who always wants to solve everything. He needs to feel like he’s in control, because that’s his version of masculinity, and if someone comes to him with a problem, he reaches for his tool belt.

Diary, maybe this month was a good idea after all. I can see that’s the way he wants to love. That’s how he shows his love, even if that’s not how I need him to love me. So me saying I just want to talk, and then him listening to that … well.

I talked about a lot of things. How lonely it is, and how pretty. The whole Henry-Jane-Emily thing, which sounded a lot more like a love triangle when I said it out loud, and how everyone’s apparently decided that Mary’s dead. The names also sound really stupid like this, in a monologue. Like I’m writing fan fiction about my favorite authors.

I didn’t mention Edgar, though. At all. It’s easier not to hint that way, because his real name would probably slip out if I tried to talk about him and express how weird it is to be here with him, too. But if he counted the other names, he didn’t realize one was missing, so that’s all right.

Then I asked him how he’s been, and there was a pause, and he said maybe he shouldn’t say, because he doesn’t want to sway my decision. So of course I told him he couldn’t just leave it there, and he said “Lonely. I miss you.”

Diary, I’m pretty sure lately I’ve been the kind of person someone would want to be rid of. Someone he’d be glad to have out of the house. So (as much as it hurts me to write this) I’m struggling with being wrong. Emphasis on struggling.

There’s no time limit on how long we can chat. There’s just the expectation that we’ll keep communication at a reasonable level. There’s nothing that says he couldn’t call every day, or twice a day, if he wanted to. I think the concern’s more about how many people we communicate with, but we decided on our end that once a week is probably the best. It gives us time to figure out if we miss each other.

We talked a bit after that, nothing consequential, and then we hung up. There was an awkward pause instead of I love you, but that’s okay, too. At least he paused like he wanted to say it. I’m not sure I’d believe him if he’d said it without the pause.

I’m also not sure I should entirely trust my feelings right now. After a week of no communication, when he started off with something that seems out of character, I feel good about us. Except it wasn’t entirely out of character. He used to say things like that all the time. That’s more how he used to be. How we used to be, before.

We can’t go back to that. I know we can’t. I’m not the same person anymore, as much as I wish I could be. We aren’t, either. But you’re supposed to find someone you can grow with, and love through all the stages, and who’ll love you through all of yours. It’s just how one of these stages was forced on us. It got us to the point where I’m here for a month, by myself, while he’s still there, by himself. Well. Today he told me he missed me, and today I miss him. I’m just not sure if it’s the old him I miss, or the him he is today.

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Cold Comfort: Monday, July 8, 2024 – Alyssa, coming July 24