Cold Comfort: Sunday, July 14, 2024 – Agatha (1)

Dear Diary,

Aaron wants to convince Alyssa to come home with us. That’s where he is right now: talking to her. Presumably, at any rate. We all had breakfast together, even though she should’ve been at the desk, but Truman offered to take the chair and give her family time.

Aaron thought that was surrender. He didn’t see the whole conversation that passed between them in a single glance.

I’m just saying. Yowza. I thought Truman was this laid-back surfer type dude, chill because nothing had ever impacted his life to make it less than chill, but there’s a core of something. I’d say steel, but I think it’s hot instead of cold. He doesn’t want to step in and fight Alyssa’s battles for her (point to Truman) but he was, after all, only in the next room if she really needed him.

Aaron started off trying to keep it neutral, I guess, talking about Ken and Jim and their families, like he hasn’t been emailing Alyssa with updates. Like her brothers haven’t emailed her about as often as they normally do even when she can respond in seconds.

He doesn’t see how much they pulled away not just from him, but from their sister, after Eileen died. Maybe she’s too much like her mom, or maybe they just feel guilty that they weren’t home at the end. They got out, and maybe Eileen wanted them to, and told them to, but come on: Alyssa was home with Aaron when it happened. Alyssa was there for him right away. She bore the brunt of his grief, especially because Aaron’s the sort of man who doesn’t want to show emotion in front of other men, even if those men are his own sons.

Ah, diary, it’s so easy to analyze other people.

Alyssa didn’t rise to it. I’m impressed, because when Aaron tries to turn his apparent logic on me, my blood starts to boil. He wants me to see it his way, but he refuses to see it my way, so I just have to give in and nod and go along with whatever he says. Maybe I should take some lessons from Alyssa.

He started asking her about Truman. About how much she “really knows” about Truman. That’s one thing Aaron does when he’s upset and trying not to show it: he repeats what he thinks is the key phrase until you’re sick of it. How much does she “really know” Truman when they’re in the middle of this bubble of secrecy (another key Aaron phrase) and maybe it’s not even his real name?

Alyssa pulled out her wallet, which I don’t think she’s been carrying, and took out Truman’s driver’s license and slid it across the table to us.

Point for Alyssa. And Truman, really. Whose last name is Truman, and I can completely understand why he wouldn’t want to go by Absalom or Moses.

“You’ll want to Google him,” she told us. Well, Aaron. “Or his brother. His brother’s got the Wikipedia page.”

“For what?” Aaron snapped, and he even got out his phone, but of course there’s no connection here, so instead he just took a picture of Truman’s ID like he’s going to pass it off to a private investigator as soon as we get home.

So she told us, calmly, the bare bones of it, and of course there’s child murder involved, and of course Aaron went through the roof.

That’s when I left, diary. I excused myself, more to Alyssa than to Aaron, and slipped out the porch door of the lodge so I could avoid looking at Truman, too, even though it certainly clarified a few things.

I doubt they started bonding over the children (my Dani Jay, his nephews who were, I suppose, step-nephews if you really want to get picky about it) but he certainly has a better chance of understanding her pain than most people. And it’s so hidden in him. Seriously, diary, California surfer dude who accidentally ended up on a Great Lake instead of the ocean, made for sun and sand and saying whatever, man, to the world.

Although I guess the other residents probably think the same thing about Alyssa. For twelve hours a day, five days a week, she’s at their beck and call, although I don’t think most of them do much becking or calling. When they walk into the lodge, she’s polite and ready with a smile, because that’s the job. The role. Maybe we’re all here because of our own deep-seated personal issues, but the help is the help. They know where we can find things or how to make fancy drinks, but it’s their job to make our own month easier. Not to pull out their own trauma and put it on display.

Having written that, diary, I think maybe that’s why Alyssa came here. She’s not “Dani Jay’s big sister” here. Nobody’s going to ask her how it feels (gag) or for details or if she thinks Annabeth or I did it. (Diary, no one’s ever blamed Aaron for being careless with the gate or the lid, and have I at times hated him for this? I’m sure you can guess.) She doesn’t have to be defined by that single day, that one tragedy, while she’s here, and yes, I can understand that.

Aaron doesn’t get that part. He sees how his lovely, brilliant daughter is reduced to making latte art and answering phones. How she’s not using any part of that brilliant mind or the education he helped pay for.

Help, diary. I just thought “He can’t see her flourishing because she can’t flourish when he’s around.” Is that painful because it’s a lie or because it’s so horribly true?

It’s a good thing I plan on burning this. Starting over with a new diary. Where I might have to rip individual pages out and burn them, just in case, because Aaron’s not ready for things like that yet. Not like I think he’d pick up and read my diary, but he might. He’s like Bluebeard’s wife that way. He’ll tell me it’s because he’s worried about me, and probably he is, but if he peeks and happens to see something like that …

I should stop blathering on and get to packing. I don’t know if we can get a flight out later today or if he’ll just insist on driving and returning the rental car at the airport downstate, but I don’t think we’re going to make anything better by staying here longer. I hope he doesn’t pull one of those Victorian father “She’s made her bed, so let her lie in it” things, but Aaron’s never done well with big emotions. He wants things to be his way, because he feels safe his way. Don’t we all?

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Cold Comfort: Sunday, July 14, 2024 – Alyssa (1), coming August 30